Phases: Goodbyes.

Current location: Mooresville, North Carolina. 

Current Mood: Heartbroken.

Life- a series of phases. Goodbyes are by far the worst. The last two days were some of the hardest of my life. I said goodbye to a place I love. Yes, I know it’s not forever. I know people can visit. I know I can go home whenever I want. I also know I am kinda tired of hearing all of the above because it doesn’t change how my heart hurts. Fact of the matter is, I realized I may not have been ready. The thought of leaving was good.. in theory, I guess. Because as the day got closer and closer, my anxiety and sadness got worse and worse. I am completely engulfed in heartbreak and regret.

I came to New Jersey a completely broken person. I was violated, scared and needed A LOT of work. (reasons for this to be explained in another post) But I became who I am here. I got to live with my parents- my sweet, silly, loving, goofy parents. I felt what it was like to genuinely fall in love because I fell in love with them. I waited my whole life to have those moments with my dad. I learned a lot about myself and what I like and don’t like and what I won’t tolerate and what makes me happy. I fell in love with art  again here, I fell in love with people here. I healed here. I learned here. I found myself again here. I fell in love with the town I lived in and with that, I fell in love with myself.

No part of leaving was easy, and I mean NONE of it. But to keep this simple I will break it down.

1. Leaving my home for what I knew would be the last time. I have moved around so much in my lifetime. All different states, all different families, some friends, a boyfriend or two, a ton of couches and even a car. I NEVER felt like I had a home.. until I made my own. I literally POURED myself into every inch of that house. I was proud of that house. We had many holidays, birthdays, parties, and ups and downs in that house. For four years my soul grew roots into the core of that house, it became a part of me because I truly loved it so much. 253 Ward Ave will stay with me forever. As it was not my first house.. it was my first HOME.
2. Work-  Merrill. Freaking. Lynch. My first official full time job. I graduated without a CLUE what I wanted to really do. And I guess that’s where a higher power knew not what I wanted to do, but I guess what I needed to do. I needed that job. I learned a lot about myself the last four years working for Merrill. I learned that sometimes others know what you need more than you… contrary to what I like to think- I do not know it all. I was put in my place on more than one occasion.. and I damn well needed it. I learned to have confidence in myself because others put their confidence in me. I obtained such self-worth at the hands of others because they trusted me and believed in my quality of work. I grew proud my what I did all the time there. Now, knowing how the working world works.. I was pretty freaking lucky. I ended with my last year on a team I loved. What a crazy thought, I know but I loved my job. I loved what I did everyday. Now, maybe not always what went on or how things played out daily but what I DID.. I loved. I felt I was able to learn a lot and I was good at it.. but my team- they were my favorite. I will never find words to thank them for what they did for me not only on my last day but my whole time with them.
3. My friends. Ugh.. I am blessed in the friend department but this made things even worse. So, firstly.. thank you to every person who took the time to check on me, see me, help me pack, share words of encouragement and on and on and on. This last month would have been IMPOSSIBLE without you all. Jenn- thank you for being you. Literally.. you are the best kind of person. I would have never imagined us being where we are in life right now and I am seriously so lucky to have you and to know you. I could never thank you for all you did this last month and always. Greg and Shannon- thank you for helping us with the house and the less glamorous things. But thank you for loving us and always being willing to show us. Grateful we’re family. Michael- thank you for everything. Seriously. Packing, helping with the house, taking me to dinner and hugging me as I cried hysterically in the grocery store because I just couldn’t handle buying toilet paper alone. (yep, that happened) but especially for checking in on me literally almost everyday. Tiffany- thank you for being my first friend in NJ, always finding your way back into my life, and always being a listening ear.  Thank you for sleeping on an air mattress with me so I wasn’t alone and always being willing to be silly. you always give me your heart and I know that. You are made of gold, truly. Kyle- thank for knowing what I am going to say before I say it. Always having my back and allowing me to vent but making sense of things for me when needed. You always took time to think of me when you didn’t need to and with such sweet gestures that genuinely touched my heart. Thanks for becoming one of my good friends. Sal- you get me. No other way to put it. You get me on a multitude of levels that others do not. You are so thoughtful and caring to me with no need to be, at all. You allowed me the privilege to get to know YOU, the real you and that is a gift I will cherish always, along with many others you’ve given me and likely do not even know of. Forever in my life. — My life will be significantly less great without you all being a constant in it and that is what makes this so hard.
4. My family. All of them. There will never be enough words to adequately explain the pain in my heart and gut when I said goodbye to each of you. You are who made me who I am, who fill my heart with pride and joy and the most fulfilling love. I ache so deeply to know none of you are a 5-15 minutes drive away anymore or to not know the next time I will get to hug you. I am me because of each of you and I miss you so much already.
5. Dad- It will be hard to rid the guilt of robbing our time together. I finally had you. I waited 19 years to live the life we lived together. I once dreamed of pretending to sell you cookies to get a glimpse of your face even knowing you would have no clue who I was. I had your number for 6 months before I grew the courage to call you that day and now I regret two things- not calling sooner and leaving you today. I love you forever and a day, times two.

So there. A fraction of the terrible, horrible things I am feeling. I wish that everything I would write would be a joy and insightful. I read those kind of blogs and they’re awesome. But unfortunately I am really real and I feel ALL THE THINGS and sometimes that means that I will bitch, and cry, and things won’t always be rainbows and sunshine. Like right now for instance. So today- I am flat out sad. I am crying myself to sleep, to music I know will make me cry worse, and reading cards from the above mentioned who I love. All because I miss New Jersey. I miss home. And I am almost sure this will not be the last time I say that.

Phases.. sometimes they just really suck, but especially goodbyes.